Welcome Update #58


Rachel Flesch, Artistic Director

Camping, I’ve been a few times. I seem to surround myself with people who just freakin’ love nature. I mean these folks want to put on shorts and frolic through high grass that’s full of mysterious bugs and plants that can do unspeakable things to your skin. Summer comes and the sun is just boiling you alive. Maybe it’s different for them, you know? The sun looks at me and is like, “He he, we fattened this one up now it’s time to cook her!” These people want to do nothing more than be outside though, and I just don’t get it. 

“Hey Rachel can you get a few days off work?”

 “Yeah, sure what’s up?”

 “We’re going camping!”

 “Oh, yeah… um, about that… I’ve got some plans.”

 “Oh that’s too bad.”

 “Yeah, sorry. I just need air conditioning and Wi-Fi to make sure these plans pull through.”

I mean I just don’t get it. What’s fun about sleeping outside? Even in a tent, it’s like “Oh, hey… we’re in the middle of nowhere, you can’t get cell phone reception, but don’t worry you’re safe. This thin fabric shelter and zipper door will protect you from the slasher in the woods!” 

Even with cabins it’s frightening. I have friends with access to a cabin, and I swear the pictures they take they have to be like “Ok, stand in the corner over here and angle the camera upwards just a little. This will keep that giant gaping hole in the floor from showing up when we tell people how cool the cabin is!”

Not to mention the sleeping bags. I mean can anyone REALLY get a good night sleep in a fabric tomb? Plus, let’s face it, you always start out freezing, but wake up swimming in your own sweat. You can’t unzip it in the middle of the night either. That’s just opening the door to all sorts of scary things. Plus you’ll wake up everyone else. If you so much as breath in one of those things you sound like the kid who wore those parachute pants to school in the 90’s.

 I could go on forever about how much camping horrifies me. Take the bugs for example, have you ever noticed that the bugs actually seem bigger when you go camping. It’s like “Oh, look a mosquito. Oh, hey… that’s bigger than my head. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!” 

Let’s not forget about the raccoons, I remember the first time I went camping it was with a friend in middle school and her dad was like “Oh, you gotta tie the trash in a tree to keep the raccoons away.” In the middle of the night it sounded like those raccoons were having a frat party with our trash. 

Someone asks me to go camping and I’m looking up renting cabins, the fancy ones with flat screen TVs and spa packages included with them. My friend’s like “Oh, no. I was just talking about roughing it.” Well, it doesn’t have Wi-Fi… I thought we were roughing it. No, they’re talking about wiping with leaves. I remember as a kid being told to just shake it. Yeah, cause that works. Oh here, I’m like a dog. I can just shake it off of me… no, it doesn’t work like that. 

Have you ever been to campground showers? They apparently don’t have hot water, because that’s part of “roughing it.” I’ve never been to prison, but I have a feeling that whoever designed those showers has.

 You know brownie points to you if you actually enjoy all of that, but know that when it starts to rain you can’t redeem those points for a place in my resort hotel.

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